Monday 14th November
Today I met my Oncologist for the first time. We parked the car and headed for the entrance, skipping off the pavement to avoid a lady smoking a cigarette- a real one- not one of those e-thingies, from a wheelchair outside the automatic doors.
“it keeps me going,” she cheerfully informed us. I wasn’t interested but offered a smile in response to her cheesy grin, eager to get on with the business at hand.
Entering the waiting room, I noted the residents were all older than me. Michelle squeezed my hand as we took our seats, her eyes tired and reddened but comforting at the same time.
After a few minutes, a nurse called my name and my height and weight were recorded in the corridor outside the consultation rooms. There seemed to be a bit of a bottle-neck in the corridor and we did the ‘excuse-me’ dance, as an elderly patient left the scales and I hopped on.
After suffering the torture and misinformation of the last few days and weeks, I just wanted to speak to someone I could believe. Intelligent, efficient and capable. I don’t care if she’s nice- just efficient will do.
My brother had assured me she was “Pure class!” He began treatment with her three years before. That was enough. I knew my modest expectations would be exceeded.
“We will get to know each other very well over the years,” she told me.
‘Years plural,’ I thought, warming to her already.
“There will come a day when your first thought isn’t about Cancer.”
She knew of course, I had thought of little else.
Not once did she speak at the same time as me, but actually listened. She provided information and answers to my multiple questions, intuitively smattered with added explanation where needed.
Not once did I feel rushed or that I was treading on the toes of her lunch hour, or that she was not entirely focused on my needs at that time. Marvellous!
“I hope you won’t be retiring any time soon? ” my final question.
“If Jeremy Hunt gets his way,” she fired back. As one Public servant to another we exchanged a knowing smile.
On returning to the car, we gave our appraisal of my new best friend. “She was lovely,” we both said in tandem.
Here at last, was someone accomplished, intelligent and with an ample dose of compassion.
I decided that I would after-all, live past Christmas and that I must make the very most of every day on this wonderful Earth granted to me.
‘If you can fill the unforgiving minute with 60 seconds’ worth of distance run’– as Kipling wrote.
My dear, departed Dad had given me the poem to adorn my bedroom wall aged 11. For That reason it is my favourite poem and I have often reflected on it in good times and bad.
I thought on it now.
‘If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two impostors just the same’. My mettle would be sorely tested now, I thought.
I hadn’t looked at a picture of my old dad for some time.
I recalled a vivid dream I’d had shortly after his death. He was dressed smartly, as always in a grey herringbone jacket and National Trust tie. It was either that or the Devon and Cornwall Police rugby tie, he wore with pride when watching me play. He looked happy to see me and greeted me with a smile and a firm handshake.
Love is the answer, I thought. Dispense with the trivial and unimportant and cut to the chase. Love like never before.
It makes me feel very humble reading this. Thank you Jim
Wow! The water colour is awesome. Why don’t you auction one off for charity?
Jane xx
Thanks Jane. It was the first (and only, so far) in several years. Thought I’d put it on today as I mentioned it in my first blog.
Jim
I’d be interested in buying it x claire
Another fantastic read Jim.
I look forward to reading the next chapter
Love to you all
Sarah
Fantastic read again Jim, it is also heartening to read there are still some truly caring people working within what unfortunately can become a conveyor belt system and allowing you the time not to feel pressured. Brilliant water colour too, I agree with above comment auction for charity! X X
Avery sensitive and helpful read helpful as bit gives insights into the very positive way you are coping with this chapter in your life.well done,your guardian angel is looking after you very well so trust in him/her. I DO.and I love your style of painting so keep it up,and yes think of of offering it up for charity it certainly would appeal to a lot of animal lovers.
When Michelle told me re the information of your pure class lady saying a good few years , all I could say over and over was that had made me happy to hear that, so happy, I think I used that word about ten times in one sentence.
Your blog again Jim is brilliant and your painting, wow! All these hidden talents when you let Michelle buy her favourite artist all these years when you could have been filling the home with your own master pieces!
X
JLC great read, you are articulate and have many talents beyond the ” dog and grunt of the
back -row” You will beat this. I too love the watercolour. Come on, paint and auction if it helps you. Giler
Jim Nine years ago my GP told me that I had your problem, he often reminds me that my reply was ‘Doc I’ve only just ordered a new car’, I have had four since then. Hang on in there. Do please keep us informed it really is heartening.
Great blog Jim. Painting conveys so much. What strikes me from your words is that like others who have been where you are now, you have found your own ‘truth’. That ‘truth’ has taken you beyond the mundane concerns of everyday life. Beyond who you were, what you were. That’s all been stripped away. You have been propelled to go within and find a power and strength that yogis and shamans have sought and found. Many religions talk of soul and spirit and inner chi… whatever it is … you now know it’s truth. This is where you will find the core of ‘you’ .. maybe you’ve found it already. If not you are on your way. It will empower and help you through this. I don’t think your the kind of man who when brought to his knees will give up and stay down. I think you are already drawing from ‘truth’ of you and are gaining/ have gained the inner strength to face this full on with humour, stoicism and grace. I’m also sure from what you say about your dad’s soul/ spirit is alongside you. You clearly have a creative side .. why not have a crack at writing short poems. The best are those that come from raw emotion .. it can also be therapeutic .. ?
Thanks Bernie. I’ve always been a Christian and had faith. To my shame I was never really inclined to talk about it- except when asked- though I’d like to think it came through in who I am. You don’t do 29 years in the Police without seeing every side of life- and usually the bit most don’t want to see. Now I’ve thought about it- I think it’s the kick up the backside I needed!. Jim
Ha.. I think the big fella overdid the ‘ big kick ‘ Jim! I’m sure a little nudge could have sufficed. It’s to your credit that you still have a strong faith after all your experiences in the job. I served in the armed forces for 6 in RAF police and 10 yrs in Liverpool in the mad crazy 80’s and it was a test to hold onto my belief in a higher order. Your spirit is always strong although often ignored or sidelined . I’m glad you are fully engaged with your soul/spirit during this difficult time. Your writing is and will impact on others as well as bringing you solace . Keep writing ??
I’m humbled and in tears. I’ve struggled with words to write yet you’re able to find the strength to write an enligtening and comical blog. Sending love to you all. God bless you Jim, Michelle and all of your family xxx
Thank you Jim for letting us know how your meeting went. It helps to listen to the ‘clever bods’ that are going to treat you doesn’t it?
You have many people rooting for you & prayers continue…….
God Bless xx < xx
Following every day, keep the strength Jim…
Hi Jim So sorry to hear the news. Be positive as you know I had bowel cancer & you can come out from the other side. Next Easter I should fingers crossed be signed off !!! It takes time but you can beat it. Any time you want a chat please give me a call kind regards Bernard
Thank you Jim, An inspiring read for me ,and after reading it several times I now feel more confident following the prognosis, . ,I received on Friday, just gone , before being discharged to go home to my Family. I also keep hope alive, and it helps when the Consultant gives you your next Appointment, which is several weeks hence. Family is the more impotant now than it has ever been, and I find having A Christian Faith also a comfort. The Family Motto has become Keep FIghting, you might see me suffering, but you will never see me give in. Thankyou so much for your inspiration.
Thank you Ralph. You will see from the comments of others- we are far from alone in this!
They get funnier I promise! A week is a long time in a diagnosis, I’ve found. I hope and pray- like me, you’ll get stronger every day- and with that attitude and a bit of faith- you surely will.
Jim
Thankyou for your kind comments Jim. They are a great encouragement to me. I was diagnosed a year ago with IPF (An Incurable Lung Disease) Easier to look up on Google, though their prognosis is slightly out of date. Since June I have had 4 Blue light shouts to Torbay, unable to breathe as my lungs are completely congested with Fibrosis and Fluid caused by the slightest Chest Infection. Fortunately I only live a mile away from TBH so they can get me in there reasonably quickly. After my last bout last Sunday I had a meeting with the Chest and Lung Consultant and the Doctor who has been overseeing my condition from the start, both of whom I trust implicitly. They can’t give a time line for this disease to actually win the Battle, but advised me to really sort out my affairs, enjoy myself and enjoy my family. A lot of that I have already done, and the really hard parts , explaining things to our Children is also out of the way, and the way they have accepted it has to me been a real revelation. At the end of the day I have had a good life, a great marriage, most of the time, and I intend to enjoy what time I have left. Thank you Jim for giving me the courage to put all this into writing.
Best wishes Jim, and I do so hope that all your follow up reports are really encouraging.
Ralph
Thank you again Ralph. It helps me and, more importantly, I hope it can help others. It’s good to talk- as the TV ad says. My brother says he was ‘Asleep at the wheel’ before his own diagnosis. I know exactly what he means. It’s what you do with today that really counts. i just saw an interview on BBC iPlayer with the boxer Nigel Benn- the dark destroyer- a fellow West Ham fan. Well worth a watch. Jim
I have just watched the Interview, you mentioned with Nigel Benn. Not at all what I expected, but really enjoyable, and an insight into how different things make different people tick. The thing I find the most difficult, is that people, outside my own Family, and old Police Colleagues, who have heard about my illness, which of choice , I have not broad cast in any way other to those who I want to know, seem to think I should be weeping and wailing, to coin a phrase and not acting as if all is normal except for my feeling quite ill a lot of the time. I will gain nothing from feeling sorry for myself. A lot of my Inspiration comes from witnessing the way Peter and Irene Roth dealt with Peter’s illness, when we were on the Police Dog Section. They really were both an Inspiration, and it is nice to see Irene looking and sounding so Happy with Dave.
Keep on Fighting Jim.
Ralph