Foreword:
I suppose most healthy people may not want to read this. For the last fifty years I have thought Cancer something that happened to unfortunate others. I could easily tune-out, on hearing the word, reassured that it could not happen to me. It did! Now I’m like a sheepdog to his masters’ whistle when I hear it.
In fact one in three of us will get cancer at some point in our lives. Prostate cancer is the second biggest killer of men.
If you are inquisitive read on. I’m not sure where it will take us or where it will end.
If it can give comfort to a fellow sufferer or their loved ones, or indeed encourage someone to get a PSA blood test, then it will be worthwhile.
If it can make you laugh or cry, or nod with understanding, that’s fine.
If it can shake the healthy from a waking slumber of complacent invincibility and encourage the fullest living of life, with love and kindness, then that would be even better.
Dedicated to my loving wife, Michelle.
Jim Lewis-Clarke
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19th October 2016 – a rude awakening
This is the start of my cancer diary. The first day of the rest of my life.
How does one react to the news they have cancer? We’re all different I suppose. As a pragmatic sort of chap, I decided I would gather all the facts, be realistic and take it from there.
I had a biopsy of my prostate yesterday and tried to lighten the mood by joking with the Urologist as he shoved the instrument of torture up my back passage. He had offered a general anaesthetic but for expediency, I opted for a local. “Better to get to the bottom of it,” I said feebly through clenched teeth as I adopted the position. He must have heard it all before but it helped to take my mind off it.
The nurse first demonstrated the noise of the contraption as it took each sample- Ten in total, so I was not unduly alarmed. Thankfully I could not see this demonstration as I was lying on my side, facing the wall, with my knees drawn to my chest.
The sound was that of a heavy duty stapler. I bit the proverbial stick and braced myself.
“Kerklunk..Arghh!”- ‘One down, nine to go,’ I counted in my head. This was not going to be pleasant.
At five, I was sweating profusely and groaning aloud with each click of the machine.
“You’re doing really well, try and relax”, said the nurse helpfully.
“I think I might have to give the Gym a miss tomorrow,” I hissed through gritted teeth. To my delight they both laughed, the ice was broken and we were quickly on the home straight and through the finishing tape. “8…..9…..10, done!”
I whipped up my trousers and dismounted the couch like a champion jockey in the winners enclosure, only to find my exit rudely blocked by the Nurse.
” I know you want to get out of here but I just need you to wait a few moments. Do you feel faint? We don’t want any accidents.”
I assured her and the Urologist I was,”both relieved and decidedly alert”.
Following the biopsy my wife joined me as we concluded proceedings.
The Urologist gave a sympathetic half-smile. “The prostate and the PSA result is grossly abnormal”.
The PSA (prostate specific antigen) could be explained by an infection,”but,” he asserted, “you don’t have any infection.”
I know what this means, I just hope and pray it hasn’t spread.
Initially I was concerned about my manliness being taken from me- Now I just hope to survive a bit longer.
The irony is that I feel otherwise fine. In rude health, in fact – for a newly turned fifty year old. I work out, don’t drink much, don’t smoke, and eat healthily. The only pain is now emanating from my prostate. As if I had repeatedly ridden a saddleless bike across cobbled streets.
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20th October – Thoughts on life, the Universe and everything.
In the last twenty-four hours I have had every thought and emotion imaginable. Every question;
What if it has spread?
Will I make Christmas?
What should I say to the children?
Will my wife re-marry?
Where are the insurance papers?
What about the mortgage?
And on a more philosophical note;
Have I led a good life?
Will I go to heaven? Will I meet my Dad there?
Other thoughts and ideas supersede the last;
Should I write a novel?
Shall I paint a picture?
Should I arrange some old photographs or make a video message?
Will I meet my wife and children in the next life?
Bugger- I need a wee again!
I don’t want to be sad as it will make everyone around me sad- I don’t want that!
I exhaust myself, lurching from one thought to the next. Oh the endless possibilities, the indecision.
My mind is racing- restless. I painted a watercolour of some hares. I haven’t painted for years. It was always something I would do in my retirement. I also started a new book.
I suppose all this is normal.
I turn on the TV and flick through the channels to distract my whirring mind. ‘For the love of dogs,’ with Paul O’Grady. A cancerous boxer dog called ‘Mack’ is the topic of conversation and his prognosis is not good. I flick channels and get the adverts, ‘Make a will’ and ‘Cover the cost of your funeral for as little a 23 pence a week,’ are the meat and bread of daytime TV. Never noticed it before.
I turn off the TV and check Twitter on my phone. Men’s Health tells me ‘How to avoid prostate cancer’ . Hah! Too late mate!
It’s like buying a new car or a puppy. All of a sudden your chosen make model and colour is everywhere you look. Ubiquitous- common as muck.
I decide to take the dogs for a walk- to make the most of the Autumn colours- you know, just in case.
The lukewarm October sunshine hits my face as I cross the bridge into the open field. It really is one of my favourite times of the year.
I spot a fish in the river, the odd late butterfly and insect. A carpet of decaying leaves, a metaphor for my suddenly adjusted life expectancy.
Every thought, action and experience seems to have taken on a new meaning- a new significance and perspective. All qualified by the word,’Cancer.’
My lovely brother writes for the Spectator- the oldest publication in England. He wrote this lovely article following our walk together; click here to see it.
Jim we are so proud of you!! You are an inspiration to us all!
Keep up the writing !!
We love you xx
The word “inspiration” gets used all too often to describe very mediocre acts.
You my friend epitomise inspiration!
What an insight Jim into the constant reflection of every previously mundane thought or action. So witty too. Will be following this blog and riding in the back seat of your Cancer Bus. To be able to inject humour into times like this is a great coping mechanism for yourself and those closest to you. This is a great and thoughtful thing that you are doing. We’re all with you as much as we can be. Jeni
Thanks for sharing Jim.
When my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer he went through the same emotional turmoil. After his operation and before he was properly back on his feet he set about building a play house so the Grandchildren had something to remember him by. That was over 25 years ago.
Reading your blog you sound very positive. I know you have a strong family network, stay with them and know one who is negative. Take the good with the bad, onwards and upwards.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Oh my gosh. Reading this took me back to my own cancer diagnosis in February 2001, especially the part about all the questions racing through your mind and the palpable fear and confusion. You write very eloquently and I think you should keep writing. Thinking of you as you know start to move through your treatment regime.
Take heart, as you are doing, react and maybe you will beat the beast… a lot of people do. I like your humorous style of writing, which will also help you in your fight. I know your family are very supportive and that there a plenty of friends ready to help. Keep up the good work!
Found your writing very moving ,Jim, my husband passed away almost 14 years ago from the dreaded big C only three days after being diagnosed. He left going to the doctor far too late. Your blog will hopefully encourage people to seek advice earlier. I wish you all the best and a full recovery.
One never knows what words to put with out sounding patronising so I’ll just have to use Sarah words….
Bang on point my lovely, pathos, comedy and a bit of old fashioned bricking it.
Just remember Jim we are all behind you ( no pun intended lol) sending you lots of positive healing vibes and love xxx
Hi Jim, just to let you know you are in our thoughts. It’s not been an easy time for any of you, but stay strong & fight this thing for as long as you can. Love to you & Michelle & family.
Jim we echo Michelle’s words you have a loving family who are and will be beside you right through your journey and out the other end …we are so proud of you especially putting pen to paper writing this blog which we find an excellent read can’t wait for the next one you print …Love Liz and Graham xx
Jim, I’ve read this with a considerable amount of admiration for your bravery, not only in facing up to cancer but in bearing your thoughts and your humour for us all to read. I wish you all the best and will be keeping fully up to date with your treatment as it progresses. Best wishes. Ken Wilkins
Keep up the fight and show it who’s the boss
What amazing words thinking of you all and sending all our love xx
Well I’m gobsmacked. What a wonderful read and very brave thing to do. I believe we all will be close to the Big C sometime in our life, I have with my soul mate and best friend. He kept going as long as he could, would never give up, so that’s the best I can say. Stay strong, always onward and never give up. Positive thinking and thank you for sharing xx
Rich and I send our love and positive thoughts to you and your lovely family. Such a well written, thought provoking and witty blog which we will follow with you xxx
Jim. . Your an inspiration, having the courage to write about your journey and support others. I always remember seeing you in the Station especially in my early years where I didnt know anyone, you were always smiling … every time! In fact it got to a point I used to think hope I bump into you just so you would cheer the day up for me. .. So in return of all the days you made me smile I’m sending you all the positive thoughts,wishes and love to you and your beautiful family whilst you continue .. Remain strong Jim our thoughts are all with you. Xx
A very interesting, witty at times, ouch at times read.
To have such an insight Jim into what someone goes through from day one is a brilliant idea. It will also get the message across about prostate cancer.
Words sometimes are difficult to find when chatting , I end up like a babbling baffoon as just not sure what to say so to read this through your blog let’s us know how you are and for you to know that we’re all right with you the whole way, and your special family.
Didn’t realise we had such a writer amongst us …..
San xxx
Well done on writing this Jim. You write exactly as you are – I can imagine you thinking it! Early diagnosis may not have been possible for you but positivity is key in the battle you are embarking on and you have bucket loads as well as a fantastic support network of friends and family. Keep writing! It’s bound to help you process things and your honesty is inspiring and I am sure will urge many people to get tested.
Sending you best wishes. Lucy 🙂
Jim, this is a wonderful thing to do in what is a very difficult time for you and your family. As we have discovered ourselves this year, with a strong, loving and supportive family behind you, you will get through this. Keep writing and inspiring others. Sarah and Mark Backhouse
Sarah and Mark. Thank you- especially as you all know just what that means!
Jim
Couldn’t stop reading this, it hit me straight in the heart. So well written. Well done Jim xx
What a fantastic piece Jim written truly from the heart with your wonderful sense of humour combined! I must admit reading it has bought a lot of the thoughts I had flooding back to me from when Rob had his 1st heart attack and I’m sure it has actually helped me a little so thankyou for putting yourself out there and trying to help others too. Stay strong and keep that wonderful sense of humour in all that you do xxx
Jim very brave of you to write about your cancer. You will know that I send a message with a song to Facebook every day which has helped me cope with a life changing event. I t has kept me positive and Positivity is the key. I know that is true from personal experience and it is not just a remark from someone not experiencing a life change. I have rad your blog and it is very well written with the right emphasis. I read your brothers piece in the Spectator which I found very moving. Jim you will fight this like the tough guy you are not a soft old CID man like me. You are in our thoughts and I know you have great support from Michelle and the family. If you need to talk please don’t hesitate to message me and we can speak and encourage each other in our struggle. I know this will sound trite but what has kept me going is that every day there is someone worse off than me and I tell my self that and see it on a daily basis. You are an inspiration to me and I would like to be an inspiration to you if I can. Love to you all Batesy.
Awesome bit of writing Jim, so very brave and inspirational. Looking forward to reading more x
James I have left a brief message on your ‘ blog ‘ but needed to think deep about a further update. Yes a marvellous piece of journalism and I bow at your eloquence and literary dexterity. However this message is to put in a first bid to be your literary agent. I shall of course demand the usual 25 per cent plus royalties and other such spoils that may come our way. It will obviously mean we will have to dress in flouncy shirts, crushed velvet jackets, cashmere overcoats draped over our shoulders and fedora hats. I will obviously carry this off with gusto but you shall require training. Hence I have taken the liberty of contacting Vivienne Westwood who is on board. Next we will have to mix with the right people. We want to be seen with the well heeled and bourgeoisie of the Islington set nibbling canapĂ©s and sipping mojitos. Right, film rights.Denzel Washington has agreed to play you in the film and Gerard Butler said it was like seeing his twin brother when we met so he’s on board. There will be lashings of sashaying along the red carpet at Leicester Square premieres so Michelle is okay as long as she lays off the Prosecco. So James WHEN, and I mean WHEN, you slay the vile deceiver we will be able to move on with this plan. We will sing songs in a great hall and toast the demise of the vile deceiver and we will spit on his name. I do believe James some foolishness goes a long way and a heap of foolishness goes a heck of a way. I’m going for a heck of a way. All my love. Yours and Michelle’s’ foolish friend…Dermott xx
Dermott. Thank you for making me laugh. I’ve just written a new one today on the subject of Vanity! You must have read my mind but you’ll have to wait until I’ve got all the others out first. I rather thought Ben Stiller might play me- He’s funny and he also has prostate cancer, though I like Denzil too. (That’s the thing about vanity- we’re on first name terms already) You already dress like Mick Jagger crossed with Mrs Slocombe so You don’t need to change a thing! If I hit the big time you’ll be first on the list. Jim x
Jim , What a truly wonderful blog,if this helps you,and also helps just one person go and get tested,( but hopefully a lot more than one ) then what a fantastic thing to do ,so selfless . It can,t have been easy for you ,but to think of others is a true inspiration ,look forward to reading more ,lots of love !! xxx
Thank you for sharing such an eloquent piece Jim.
The days our paths overlapped seem a long time ago, and now the croupier of life has dealt you a crap hand.
Let’s hope your positivity and pragmatism fight this battle
And, like my Dad, you bounce back a valiant Prostate Cancer survivor.
Seems like you are at the start of a long bumpy journey but you have
A huge team of supporters behind you.
Is Flint House an option for you, when the time is right? There are a few
here now on the path to recovery.
Big hugs to you, Michelle and the family.
Anya X X
Jim
We have never met. I worked briefly with Michelle recently. I would like to think I was the inspiration for your recent birthday visit to Rome.
You have a wonderful wife ,family and friends which your writing highlights.
Your blog will hopefully not only help you on this very tough journey but will help all who read it to understand the battle that is cancer and hopefully help others
I will be following your blog.
Jim thank you for sharing your blog.
I know it was a source of strength, support and laughter to Martin when he shared his,
as I’m sure it will be for you, your family and friends.
By writing the blog you inspire so many by your strength, bravery and positivity and enable friends to feel they can help you along in the difficult days with humour and love.
I know you have a fabulous family supporting you and an amazing woman who will walk your journey by your side .
Keep positive sending big hugs to you all x
This is incredibly brave of you and we send our love to all the family. We sadly know only too well the deepest pains that life can throw our way. Every day I look at all those things that are precious in life and treasure each moment. The sun, autumn leaves, time with the family and thinking of all the wonderful family memories. I used to take all of these things for granted but not anymore. Most of all as Christians we have given all our struggles and deepest pain to a God who loves and cares for us. We thank him every day that we always have a hope that transcends the struggles of this life and that we will be with him one day as we commit ourselves daily to him. We pray that God will give you the strength you and your family need to come through this situation. We know people who have walked this path after receiving the same diagnosis many years ago. They are still with us and enjoy life to the full. We are believing and standing in prayer with you all. If you need us we are here. Just message. God bless. Phil and Tracey.
Hope this link encourages you. We have it on all the time in our house. Much love to you all.
http://www1.cbn.com/media/radio/player.php?station=praise&popup=yes
Jim,
I contacted Michelle the other day by personal message because I didn’t know how public it was about your illness. I needn’t have worried. I admire you for being so open and candid about your journey. My sister-in-law, Chris Darling, has already commented, when I shared your blog, on how she recognises those first thoughts going through your mind on diagnosis. I will add that Chris, recently retired from the Police, now lives an amazingly full life…taking all opportunities life gives her and I look on in envy (yes envy) at what she achieves in life. You obviously know that positivity is key and you have already displayed your positive attitude in how you’re going to fight this. You’ve got a lovely family in Michelle, Josh and Emily and with them and all your friends you will have massive support every step of the way. You know where we are … Linda, Ian, Scott & Ryan xx
Thank you Jim for such a moving account – I can understand every aspect, having lived through similar myself on three occasions – spot on.
I have been to Mass as St Joseph’s this evening and my prayers were for
you, Michelle and all your loved ones. I know you won’t mind – I have passed your name onto a ‘prayer posse’ so our thoughts will be with you all in the weeks ahead. God Bless & keep you safe. Irene & Dave xx<xx
I’m glad you both think so. Thank you for your prayers. I’ll send some back your way. Love, Jim
Jim,
The way you make the words rise up to the page is brave and beautiful.
You are a beacon of inspiration and hope.
You and your wonderful family shall get through this.
Huge hugs to you all.
Thank you Nicky. I know we will!
Cheers, Jim